Found out we’re doing a mandatory active-shooter training at work. It’ll be “non interactive” which I guess means no fake guns or practice takedowns or whatever they do to scare people. At least one of my coworkers has already expressed adamant opposition to this, so I have at least one ally. I’d be more opposed if I were going to have fake guns pointed at me, but if it’s just sitting in a room listening to someone talk, I don’t mind being paid to listen to their bullshit. Anyway, beyond what I’ve said, I don’t know much about these trainings, so what are some funny ways I could derail it? Don’t hold back
“Will the company cover all medical costs if we’re shot during our normal work day?”
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This is truly heinous! What absolute s c u m.
I don’t know how to do special emojis but just imagine one here that communicates ‘Jesus fucking Christ what the actual fuck’.
They say yes, then after the fact their lawyers will argue that it wasn’t a normal work day so they don’t have to pay
ask them what to do when the cops refuse to put themselves at risk
ask them how to tell a roided up terrified cop you’re not the shooter without being shot
ask them how much the active shooter training course cost the district, then ask them how much improving access control (an actually useful preventative measure) would cost and if it were considered as an alternative
improving access control
They still managed to screw this up. The people at my job made it so the warehouse employees are locked in what amounts to a kill box. They made this change after a former warehouse employee made death threats. When pointed out that warehouse employees could not egress to the main office they did not fix it and said it would take too much money.
Didn’t fix it because that was a feature, not a bug
Report it to the fire department if it’s a fire hazard.
The fire marshal is your friend. The fire marshal is not your bosses friend.
that’s horrifying
Grenfell Tower 2
ask them how to tell a roided up terrified cop you’re not the shooter without being shot
This was actually an explicit part of my last active shooter training, but without the trainer realizing it was a bad thing
These are all winners honestly
ask if healthcare coverage at work covers injury from shooting, and then break it down by shooting type: drive by? targetted? mass? police involved? coworker? stranger? manager? go through all the scenarios “what if i was shot while technically off the clock but on work property because i was coming back from my break”
make them squirm lolol
Bring your lawyer. Bring your union lawyer. Bring someone who isn’t a lawyer but have them dress like a lawyer and take notes and unless someone specifically asks “Are you a lawyer” just say vague things like "I"m here on behalf of Rashav3ak
Make sure they change their last name to Esquire.
Yeah it’s Jim Edward Stephen Quentin Uire. Oh yeah people make that mistake all the time.
“will the company cover funeral expenses?”
“has this ever been effective?”
“will you be issuing us rifles?”
“can the company buy us some plate carriers?”
“am i a soldier now? i don’t want to be a soldier :(”deleted by creator
I said something like this to a director who immediately turned around and said “but the training is so good!”
“Has this method, as disseminated by this company, ever been tested in a real incident?”
If so: “How did that go? Can you substantiate that it actually helped things?”
If not: “What reason does someone have to believe this will help? Is there any sort of real empirical backing or are you profiteering off of HR agendas and fearmongering? Do you accept any sort of liability if your method fails to help or even makes things worse? [Obviously not, so] Why should any of us have confidence in this to preserve our lives when you don’t even have the confidence in it yourself to accept that liability? Is there any observable difference between your presentation and that of a reasonably competent snakeoil salesman?”
I’m saving this, it can be used for a wide variety of things with some changes
I am honored to be of help to you however I may be.If you do want to save it, I recommend copy/pasting or something because comments can be deleted for many reasons. I try to preserve the useful posts and comments I find off-site on account of that.
The last time I had to do a workplace violence awareness training, we were given a very long and very specific list of red flags to watch out for. I relentlessly reported to higher ups any time I noticed a red flag from someone higher up than me at the company. I was reprimanded for it every time.
:praxis:
Good work comrade 🫡
I remember once upon a time the higher ups pointedly polled us on how we wished to be rewarded for our work without higher pay being an option and the only non-intrusive answer was having your peers congratulate you. They made this system where you could “shout out” other employees. So I shouted myself out and got reprimanded. I then went on to buy donuts and campaign for shout outs. I offered to do work in exchange for them, bullied my friends into giving them, and went to other departments to network for them. The higher ups did not find it amusing.
Edit: my current work for the CIA has an element of sales to it
Edit: my current work for the CIA has an element of sales to it
ask them when the passive-shooter training day will be
Start asking them for how to respond to increasingly bizarre situations:
Start with something plausible like a team of shooters then move on to like “What if they have access to a rooftop helicopter? What about an armed Humvee? How do we deal with tanks?”
What if they ask for a reversible leather Planet Hollywood jacket in their list of demands? They don’t even make those anymore!
"If Hamas breaches the walls should i hide behind my desk? What if they come up through the sewer?
"Do we have paragliders on the roof? What if Hamas builds a wall around the building?
If it’s Hamas and I am being held at gunpoint do the people with the vehicles with tvs on them still plan to put me on there if I don’t say I condemn hamas at that moment?
Asking about how to respond to grenades would be a good intermediary step
“What should we do in a John Equilibrium situation?”
What should we do if the shooters are wearing shirts marked 1, 2, and 4 and we get all of them but are not sure if there’s a 3?
I’m hearing reports a potential shooter may have WMD but due to lies told about this from the media in previous situations I’m unsure what level of precaution I should take.
what if it’s numbered hogs but they’re armed?
Bring up that you’re terrified of Hamas and make it seem like a good faith question.
“What if the shooter is armed with raspberries? What about a banana? What about a pointed stick?”
“Should I keep count of how many coworkers they kill so I know what killstreak to expect?”
“How long will my job be held for me if I’m injured during an active shooter event while I’m recovering in hospital?”
(Also… to kill the fun… you can absolutely be fired for fucking around too much during these things)
“Can i use my health savings account to buy a flak vest?”
“Will the company be doing flak vest matching?”
“What about tourniquettes?”
“Is a flak jacket osha required ppe now?”
“Is it true you can cover a grenade with a trash bin? Should we get steel trash bins for the grenades?”
“How long do we have to shelter in place after the cops decide not to do anything?”
“Can i take the rest of the day off after a mass shooting?”
“What about a flak helmet can i use my hsa on that?”
“Okay but what about some gym memberships so we can get good at running away, the company will cover that, right?”
“How come the executive elevator has to get buzzed in by security but not the normal elevator?”
“What if i fall over while running away from te shooter is that a workplace injury?”
“Who do i report it to if my manager got shot?”
“Who will do scheduling if my manager gets shot i don’t want to get fired for no showing”
“Is it a work place injury of the cops shoot me by accident?”
“What if the cops shoot me on purpose?”
“Hey what are we supposed to do with the office first aid kit it only has bandaids and tylenol and expired in 1978”
“Come to think of it did we get the fire extinguishers checked this year?”
“Okay but if i get shot by the cops, and there’s blood on the ground, but there’s no " caution slippery liquid” sign, and i fall down the stairs, that would be the company’s fault, right?"
“Do we have to pay for our own ride to the hospital?”
“If i’m stuck sheltering in place and my kids have to uber home and order a pizza how do i submit that as a reimbursible expense?”
“What if i get actively shot on a business trip in another state and they take me to an out of network hospital?”
Will time spent being interviewed by police be paid overtime?
Will I be counted as leaving early if I am shot?
Is therapy covered by OHS insurance in the event of a shooting?
You could probably use your FSA to buy armor.
Just hold up pictures of the Uvalde cops standing in the hallway with a quizzical look on your face.
“Will there be enough hand sanitizer for the pigs?”
Write everything down from this thread on a comically rolled up piece of paper. When the opportunity for questions arises get your comically long list of questions out and unroll it bugs bunny style, then begin.
Be totally and completely serious about the questions you have. This is a shooter situation after all, it’s an incredibly serious matter and the details all matter.
the scroll that falls down and unrolls all the way across the room and bumps into the wall, pull out your tiny little reading glasses
Showing up to the meeting like
it gets me everytime. All time great visual gagI have a copy that includes the commercial breaks and the fact that the bit continues after it really puts it over for me
HOLD NUMBER 712: ARM BAR!
gets me every fucking time
48 yr old Chris Jericho having an enormously popular run based entirely on having a list like santa claus was so good
Malenko, you claim to be The Man of 1000 Holds, but I counted and you know about 60! But I know 1004, and I wrote em all down!
Time machine where i shove Zack Sabre Jr. into Dean vs Joe’s 1989 championship match in AJPW.
absolutely based
Put on comically tiny reading glasses after unrolling it
eat a whole lot of beany chili the day/morning before
act startled like the farts are the sounds of gunfire
this is my favorite suggestion so far
Bring some firecrackers
the objectively funniest would be to choose that day to go postal
please don’t actually do that though
someone already said to my boss “oh they’re getting us all in a room so we’re fish in a barrel?”
Makes you feel safe at work huh
you know you live in a healthy society when people use gallows humor to cope with their potential for violent death at the office
The normalization of it is baffling. I brought up how even the idea of this occurring makes me want to avoid the office especially since I knew two people who brought guns for a potential “good guy with a gun” scenario
The odds of this actually happening are vanishingly low. The overwhelming, overwhelming majority of gun violence is still murders and “gang violence”
“Oh this gun I brought it to kill a coworker if they attack the office”
a sign that someone has a bad attitude towards their colleagues
Ask them question whenever the active shooter training intersects with some other corporate rule
“So do I still have to lock my PC if I get up during an active shooter drill”?
“Do I have to clock out when I leave the premises?”
etc.
the more bullshit the underlying rule the better.
and how does this affect scheduled lunch breaks
