I hate how cheap alcohol is. It’s always have 50 cents for a shot around here, so I always have the money for it. Whatever quarters are in my purse is my alcohol fund. It feels like just being drunk and hiding it from everybody is the best path. I stopped taking my anti-psychotic days ago. I’m fucking up a lot of progress I made right now. Alcohol doesn’t make me angry or anything like that, it just makes me recenter my entire life around it. It makes me only care about getting more drunk. I hate everything rn. Sorry for the rant guys, I just really needed to get it off my chest.

    • LeylaLove [she/her, love/loves]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      13·
      4 months ago

      I’m still taking my zoloft, but there’s this part of me that just wants to run away from everything. Risperidone stabilizes me, but anti-psychotics are so fucking heavy. They dissociate me so much, and I hate it. I’m tired of the dissociation. I also missed my visual noise. A lot. I don’t think I ever wanted to be asymptomatic because it makes me feel like a fake. Risperidone also dampens all your dopamine receptors, so drugs (including alcohol) feel way weaker. It’s somewhere between a form of self harm and wanting to just be me.

        • LeylaLove [she/her, love/loves]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
          9·
          4 months ago

          Yeah I actually got put on zoloft recently, which has been quite good. I’m not seeing my psych for another few weeks, but I think I’m going to mention this to her next time hopefully. However, like I said, Risperidone stablizes me. I don’t really know if I can go without it. As much as I hate it, it works. I don’t think I can stay off the meds this time because it’s provided so much. Even cuts down my T production, it really helps with growing gender dysphoria. But I really don’t want to be on it. You can feel it dampening your emotions, turning you into an automaton

          • Assian_Candor [comrade/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
            3·
            4 months ago

            Bummer, idk how it works with antipsychotics but I had to try like 5 antidepressants before I found one that worked, I wouldn’t wait for weeks though if you don’t feel good it’s probably better to just call them up if you’re on the fence. I get it if not though it’s kind of a faff and expensive

            • LeylaLove [she/her, love/loves]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
              4·
              4 months ago

              Anti-psychotics are all major life changes. They dampen your dopamine receptors quite heavily. There is no anti-psychotic without the effects I hate because I hate the main effect. I have only tried 3 or 4, but Risperidone is the one that works the best for me by quite a long shot. I even look forward to it sometimes.

              There is a side of me that knows taking Risperidone is my saving grace. Another side of me wants to just completely throw it out the window and use fent until die. I have to fight that side a lot. Risperidone makes that battle a lot easier.