The Daily: The Parents Aren’t Alright - Link
My crummy tl;dr - Intensive parenting and social media parenting shit making us feel guilty for everything. Previous generations parenting was going about life with the kid doing whatever on their own. Now we are on the floor with them always in their business thinking and preparing ten steps ahead
I’m curious what parents of kids 5+ think of this. At one point in the podcast, someone says, “Bigger kids, bigger problems is what they say. It becomes less physically demanding, but it’s more mentally demanding.”
My kids are 4 and under, so I’m definitely in a phase where they are physically demanding.
I heard it as little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.
I think it’s always important to keep perspective. Ultimately, you have very little control over the human they choose to be. I think back to my parents. They had influence, sure, but in reality I was the one driving. You can leave little Easter eggs in their psyche, but it’s a crapshoot if it works or not. I’ve always told mine since they were small that my best day will be the day they meet me as an equal. Both of mine held onto that and now see it as a marker in their own lives.
When they’re little, you’re something like a deity. You know everything and your word is as close to law as it gets. At some point, that stops. It felt to me like it happened in little bits then all at once.
Trauma not dealt with is passed on and someday you’ll see your negative traits (that you thought you were so clever in hiding) start to manifest in your kids. That was scary for me, but then I came realize I was no different. You’ll face yourself and that’s when you need to be your best self. You’ll fail sometimes, but that’s life. You’ll succeed too, and boy that feels great.
Self harm was the one that hurt me. It felt like a rejection of me and the world I’d constructed. It look me longer than it should have to get them help. I just wasn’t ready.
Big kids, big problems.
I dunno. Maybe that was a lot of words without purpose. What I can say is that each kid and each age comes with blessings and curses. Learn to take the win when you get them. Don’t be afraid to get help.
And honestly, giving a half a shit and not hardening your position is most of the battle.
Take care of yourself. They’ll be gone someday and you’ll be 20 years older and ready to have fun. You don’t get to have fun if you pop a hose in your brain because you treated yourself like shit for a couple of decades.
I’m just really glad I’m not fighting over them wiping their asses anymore.
I just don’t want to be the number one reason they’re in therapy as an adult.
My 2 yr old peed on two of her daycare teachers today (so far), so your last line made me laugh out loud.
The thing that worries me the most is digital devices and internet access. In our house we keep tight controls on screen time and internet usage but the majority (if not all) of the other kids in their school have unlimited access to internet which means second hand exposure and there’s very little we can do about it. I can’t just stop them from having friends… it’s steessful
We’re not there yet. To me the obvious would be to explain to them something like browsing the internet is similar to being alone in the world’s biggest city and you cannot always be there to protect them whilst online?
I am definitely over simplifying it, but I feel portraying the message that there are good people, bad people and absolutely abhorrent people, is all you can do to protect kids online. Also that everyone takes a big step to the dark side when they are anonymous because for some reason, watching a train crash is more interesting to us that watching one drive past.
I never really thought about controlling screen times for anything other than to make sure kids’ heads spend some time in reality, do you feel it is an effective or important tool for protection too?
I feel like you are dealing with a lot of influencers trying to justify single income families where the mom stays home. A lot of that justification comes from being a stay-at-home mother who can give better care to their children. So the standard of parenting gets raised such that parenting is a full time job.
I’ve been planning on listening to that. I try to make sure the kids know I’m there for them, set healthy limits, teach responsibility, etc. if you stress about everything, the kids get stressed out too. They will mirror your state. They learn so much more from what we do than from what we actively teach. To quote a friend, if you want them to be better, you have to be better. There’s a kitchen version of that which may apply too, affix your own oxygen mask first.
There’s so much to stress and panic about, and I want them to have it better than me, I don’t want them to feel they’re a source of that. Couldn’t be good for them.
Parenting is hard. As much as I would like them to be, kids are not perfect little robots that do everything you tell them too. I probably should call my parents and apologize for the hell I put them through.
