I’ll get this out of the way at the start, there’s a good chance its just other things I’m dealing with. I’m autistic, and have semi recently figured out I’m trans. Those changes have made me a little less stable feeling. CW for the rest of this post for talking about many sad things, although I do not feel sad right now.
self harm, suicide, negativity, drug use, eating, etc
Lately I have been going from extremely happy to extremely sad, or extremely sad to very happy. As an example, last night I didn’t care anymore and wanted to kill myself. Today I am on a cloud and genuinely very happy. Nothing materially changed about my situation, no one talked me down, nothing. I smoked a bit of weed, felt better but still like I’d kill myself if I could, and now (the next day) I’m doing great.
I struggled with depression for a while as a teen. I was self harming (something I have sadly gotten back into), hopeless, all the things. Meds never helped, ketamine didn’t help, ECT seemed to help? But the doctor thought I wasn’t reporting my symptoms normally or whatever so I never was able to follow up and continue. He felt like it was some personality issue (I’m diagnosed with avpd, but now I feel autism + being trans explains it much better).
But these swings happen a lot. I’ve made some very impulsive purchases while feeling good and just hoped it would work itself out. But is that because I broke from my depression or because I was some flavor of manic? I think when I have one of my swings people are surprised how fast it is. Just like, the way they tend to respond (“oh I’m glad you’re feeling a little better” but like no, I feel completely fine now, on my way to feeling great.)
The swings usually last hours or days, although like I mentioned when I was a teen I was very depressed for a while with basically no ups. I feel like I usually have a bad few days with some random ups, and then a few good days with some random downs (like once a day for a couple hours).
I worry the lows will kill me one day. I get intensely depressed, suicidal, and don’t care about my life. If I had access to a gun I would kill myself with it, when I feel like that. Now though, that I’m feeling good? I feel hopeful, full of life and energy, like dying is the last thing I want to happen to me. And especially if things actually don’t look good in life and I don’t bounce back quickly… I just would.
But I’m not sure if I want to take bipolar medication either. I don’t want to feel numb. This feeling of happiness is amazing, it fills me, I just want it to stay around. If my issue isn’t bipolar, this could be my normal. But obviously if it is bipolar or something like it… then its not normal and the lows won’t lift themselves.
I guess I’m just looking for opinions, my current thought is to keep pushing on transitioning and see if the lows clear up on their own. I honestly have no idea if what I’m describing is normal emotional changes or not. The lows I’m pretty sure are not normal, because they do get bad enough I’ll self harm or not eat for a day. Anything to avoid them.
look into cyclothymia. I’ve been suspecting lately that I have this, and I think what you described is similar. def talk to a psych or a good therapist about it if you can
I will look into it more, thank you.
That sounds similar to the way my Bipolar manifests, although my episodes are longer lasting.
I think it’s worth getting evaluated by a psychiatrist (if possible)even if you aren’t interested in trying medications right now. I didn’t have great luck with the preventative bipolar medications(lithium etc), but having a prescriber has been useful for getting meds to deal with some of the symptoms. If I get manic and have difficulty sleeping they increase my sleep med, if I get really agitated I can get meds to help with that.
I think it’s also worth telling someone you know and trust in real life, if possible. Those low lows can be tough, and having someone to check in with is really helpful.
I actually was evaluated as a teen, I don’t think I’d be able to again. My therapist isn’t really open to a different diagnosis (tried bringing up embrace autism and he didn’t want to hear about it), so I doubt bipolar or cyclothemic would be more likely. I actually was on lithium for a while, unfortunately I don’t remember it doing anything for me. I don’t know if that’s because it didn’t or if I was just too depressed to remember things clearly.
I just can’t put my family through knowing how bad it gets, to be honest.
Thank you :cuddle:
Eggnoggy, you need a new therapist!
I really do. If nothing else, he isn’t helpful with autism/trans stuff.
Yeah I’ve seen you post about him before and you really need a better therapist
Removed by mod
She’s talking about stuff I’ve said in the trans mega. The most obvious thing to point to is he misgenders me, despite knowing I’m trans.
Idk why my comment got removed but what I was getting at was that if your therapist isn’t helpful with the major things that contribute to mental health then no additional context is necessary, you need to drop that therapist.
Hey fam, lots of stuff resonating here, would love to talk to you more direct if you’d like but don’t have time this moment, wanted to drop a comment.
I like SimpleX, Threema, Matrix, and Signal if you’re for it.
In either case: you’re not alone and this is survivable. I believe in you.
Of course, I’ll DM my matrix name. Also fwiw this post is basically the most bipolar I could sound, might just be autism I’m not sure.
