tl;dr: My partner refuses to meet agreed upon cleaning goals and it’s causing significant relationship issues. She’s never blamed her ADHD, but I know it’s a factor.
Is my ask (that she clean one uncommonly cleaned "chunk’ of the house each week) unreasonable? Or rather, is my reaction to her not clearing this (very low, in my opinion) bar unwarranted?
My partner and I are both women, both diagnosed with ADHD.
She doesn’t work due to anxiety, so I have to support us financially 100%, but she agreed early in our relationship (long before either of us had been diagnosed) that she’d take care of the housekeeping. She does some, but our house has never felt “clean” or “tidy” to me.
I lost my job during covid, and was lucky enough to get on the unemployment train for a while which was a blessing because I was battling severe burnout.
As our savings neared depletion, the thought of re-entering the workforce was causing me massive depression, and when I was all but ready to just give up on everything, I asked her for help.
Just a part time job, or work from home, or anything to generate income to take the weight off my shoulders so I could try to develop some entry level coding skills and get a job I could be proud of.
She agreed, filled out a resume and browsed some job boards… and nothing came of it.
After a while, I asked her to at least sell a box of old Amiibos on ebay. Once again, she agreed and didn’t follow through.
As the savings dried up, I was forced to get a shitty job that’s (still) just barely paying the bills.
After a few weeks of working again, I brought up the cleaning thing in an argument. I mentioned how she agreed to but never helped out financially, so I quantified the cleaning and set a (very low) bar for her to cross. She told me it was reasonable and it would get done.
3 years later and she has yet to clear the bar and our relationship is only being held together by a few thin strands of codependency.
The bar: On top of her baseline (Dishes, laundry, kitchen, living room, bathroom, and meals 4 nights a week, typically frozen pizza or something else from the freezer section, give or take), I asked her to take on a “Project” once a week. Something in the house that’s rarely cleaned, which roughly requires the effort it takes to clean and organize our small 2ft by 2ft pantry. So like an hour or so.
It’s not happening.
She throws excuses at me left and right, but she’s never blamed the ADHD. I’ve considered it though…
So what I’m coming here to ask… I know you don’t know her specific case (we are both at mild to moderate ADHD), but does my request sound unreasonable? Should I try to be more understanding?
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I mean, yes, please be understanding. But the current strategy of “will you do this thing, unsupervised, on a regular basis and starting at some point in the future” is definitely the least likely way to have the job actually done.
Here are some things you could do:
- Schedule in time to do something. Decide what it is that needs to be done at that point in time. It might not be the exact thing you want done, but it should be something - and then do it immediately when it’s decided.
- Help. Don’t supervise, just body double at least. This is a concept where being around people doing work makes us work. But doing it together will likely make it go quicker for everyone. Listen to a podcast or audiobook together while you do it. It will become a nice thing that benefits your relationship rather than a thing where in her RSD brain you are stating that you expect her to overcome her disability on a weekly basis, forever, to be with you.
- Start smaller, and praise. Praise a lot. Does it sound infantilising to praise someone for just not leaving their shit all over the place? Maybe. But this is how our brain chemistry is wired. If she recognises this it will help. It isn’t a slight or an insult, any more than handing a crutch to someone with a sprained ankle would be.
These are some great suggestions, though there is a lot more going on that wouldn’t fit in a lemmy post that makes some of it less doable, but still good advice. Especially about the scheduling and praise.
Thanks =)
I’m glad. I would recommend reading "How to ADHD by Jessica McCabe (or the YT channel of the same name). You might benefit and it sounds like your partner might. There’s lots of things to try and many different things work for different people even after medication.
I think this is a problem beyond what any Internet stranger can reasonably address. I think you’re at a point where you really should be speaking with a therapist about it (on your own or with your partner, whatever feels right).
Nobody likes to talk about this, but it’s a drag supporting someone who doesn’t contribute much to the partnership. You do it because you love them, but it’s not unreasonable to want them to do anything they can to ease the burden of being a caregiver. You certainly don’t want them making it harder. On top of that, you have your own health struggles to deal with, so you’re not starting at 100%.
My wife and I have each been this person to each other at different points. It took work, but we both improved and are better partners to each other now. We did attend therapy together and separately.
I hope you figure it out!
Thank you ☺️
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