TW: suicide, transphobia

As the title says, my egg cracked a few days ago. It’s been a long time coming, after years of denial. It’s scary, but at the same time exhilarating.

I’m nervous about the eventual conversation with my parents, how everyone around me will react, and of course the challenges that will come along with this journey. But it’s gratifying knowing that I’ll get to feel like myself for the first time in a long time.

It’s crazy, really, how many epiphanies I’ve had about my life and myself ever since I decided to just be honest about who I am and what I want. Why I hated how I looked in photos, why I never liked the clothes I got as gifts, why my interests were never traditional, why I HATED puberty and the way I felt, why I was so miserable for years trying to lean toward conservatism and pleasing my family. I mean, I was a crossdresser in private, but trans? This isn’t a topic I would have dared discussing with them. Maybe it’s the mild autism, maybe it’s Maybelline.

I remember coming home from school at around age 15 or 16 with makeup on. I always had long hair out of preference, yet another part of myself about which I’ve had a realization, so I just covered my face with my hair. I almost made it to the bathroom until my mom spotted me. All she said was, “Do we need to talk about this?” That was when I made up my mind that the answer would be no. Oddly enough, my mom taught me to be a better woman than my dad taught me to be a man. I learned so many skills from her, and we have so much in common. I hope this doesn’t end with me severing my relationship with my family, because I really want to use this as an opportunity to grow closer to her as a woman.

I think, after that, they probably were suspicious. They certainly knew I was experimenting sexually. They searched my room and threw away my sex toys and weed pipes a few times. Given their fundamentalist views, and how they acted toward me, it kinda felt they thought I was some perverted drug addict.

They had, and I believe still have their assumptions about me. I really don’t know how they view me, and I don’t think they would be honest with me if I confronted them about it. I can only get what I read between the lines, and they like saying the quiet part quieter.

I still remember when my (police officer) dad told me that story. I don’t know the circumstances around him telling me the story, but his purpose was clear.

It was a dialogue, one he’d had with a (maybe not fictional) trans woman or crossdresser whom he had arrested for some type of hard drug posession. He asked her on the drive to jail how she (not the pronouns he used, by the way) had gotten to that point. He told me that she said she had just started doing the wrong stuff, and her life had gone downhill from there. The obvious, unstated point was don’t do drugs and crossdress or you’ll ruin your life, fucking ridiculous. But it did make it obvious to me that my dad thinks trans people are innately destroying ourselves.

Another time, he told me about a trans man who had committed suicide. Again, I really don’t remember why he brought this up in the first place. A lot of these memories feel like nonsequiters, where everything was normal before and after with a really weird part in the middle. I remember him telling me that the trans man’s mother had said that he “was never happy with himself,” again heavily implying that being trans in itself is the issue. So then the moral of this story was just, “don’t think about it lol.”

I didn’t intend to take that to heart, I thought what he was saying was ridiculous, sad, and narrow-minded. But I do think it disturbed me a bit, subconsciously. I began to internalize that a bit. I had a vivid nightmare where I had bottom surgery while conscious. I was grappling with dysphoria and the idea that dealing with it how I wanted to would ruin my life.

I remembered the dream again, a few months ago. Not the nightmare, that was just a nightmare. But the dream I had when I was young, younger than 7 I believe. I dreamed of a beautiful tall brunette woman in a gorgeous green dress in the middle of an ethereal field. I don’t know if that woman was me, but I did want to be her when I had that dream.

There’s so much more I’ve connected about myself in the last few days than that, but I think that already says more than enough. I fell off of keeping clean shaved, and so I shaved my body and went to the thrift store and bought some comfortable, feminine clothes. While I was there, I noticed they had a copy of the first Dork Diaries book, which I read in middle school (just for AR points ;) ), and I picked it up and started reading it in my new clothes that night! I hadn’t read in so long, but I really felt like I used to, a little too coincidentally before puberty really hit. I also noticed that I really only care about taking care of my body when I want to be feminine, lol.

My partner is supportive of me, and says she started seeing me as a girl a few days ago, which is so insanely sweet and supportive of her. It wasn’t until today when I looked in the mirror without makeup and still was able to see a beautiful girl.

I’m feeling really good about myself and comfortable in my own skin. I don’t know if I want to fully transition yet, I think I need to talk to a gender therapist (or two!) first. But I am finally ready to admit that I am not cis! I think I have a decent idea of my next steps, but I wanted to talk to a community of trans women.

What comes next? What are your stories about early transitioning? Are there any resources that I can access to gain information or make this easier to navigate? What can I generally expect from life, the world, the people around me? Are there any regrets you have? What do you love the most about yourself now? What keeps you going?

Much love to you all, from a nervous, excited, new girl.