For context, I’m near Vancouver and am fortunate enough to have a non-zero amount of insurance. I’m over 30 and have felt disconnected from friends and have had difficulty forming relationships any closer than “friendly acquaintance” my entire adult life. I am the kind of person internet liberals are thinking of when they say “LOL, guys will do anything except get therapy”, except that I am desperately trying to get therapy, so it grates on me when I see people say that.
The problem is, I find myself so distracted my my own frustration (and by the problems that I’m trying to get therapy for) that I am just not in a good place to make the phone calls, fill out the forms, and keep getting disappointed when I don’t find what I’m looking for. It feels like a sick Catch-22: I am not mentally healthy enough to jump through the hoops it’s going to take to get mental health support.
- I’m a grad student and I’ve tried going through the school’s Health and Counseling services. I contacted them in May of this year. The earliest I was able to get an appointment with them was in July. That was just an intake appointment – the ACTUAL appointments with my assigned therapist (another grad student) started in September, and due to scheduling conflicts, I won’t have a second one until a few weeks into October. Also, I’m only allowed four meetings with them before I’m back on the waiting list.
- I asked my doctor to refer me to someone for mental health support. She referred me to a hospital, and the hospital called me while I was on an airplane. I’ve tried calling them back several times and ended up having to leave my number on their answering machine. My doctor’s schedule is very packed and it’s hard to get a hold of her.
- So, I tried a service offered through the school’s student health insurance. I was able to get an appointment this week. However, it’s still only 6 meetings. I’ll take what I can get at this point, but that’s not what I need.
- I do have some insurance and would consider private therapy, but I know it’s going to be a nightmare to figure out how much it covers, what it covers, and to find a therapist who is actually able to accept the insurance I have. I’ve had this problem with e.g. massage therapy, where in spite of a note from my doctor, I was still paying most of the cost of the massage therapy, even when I did find a massage therapist that accepted my insurance, and I assume the same thing would happen for mental health therapy.
In the appointment I had to today (the first of 6) I mentioned that I’ve had a lot of thoughts about suicide, and the counselor asked what keeps me going on. I said, part of it is that I know that long-term solutions exist, that ongoing therapy is a real thing that people do, but that I just can’t access it right now. She said “Hmm, that sounds frustrating”. I said, if you, a professional in the field of counseling, can’t give me ANY idea as to what I’m supposed to do to get the help I’m looking for, then who can? She has said she will look into existing resources, but I am rapidly losing hope.
One of the standard questions that gets asked is “Do you currently have any plans to do harm to yourself or others,” i.e. do I have any plans to commit suicide. The honest answer is, no, I don’t. I sure think about it a lot, but it’s not something I’ve ever had any specific plans to do. It’s never been that bad – I’ve just felt really, really bad for years in a way that wears at me over time.
So, what I’m seriously wondering now is, what would happen if I walked into an emergency room at a hospital and said “I am going to kill myself if I do not receive ongoing low-cost therapy”, and then screamed at the top of my lungs until they either helped me or had me thrown out by security? At this point, I have to consider all my options.
- I’m not personally familiar with emergency mental health care in Canada but generally mental health wards suck. They’ll likely either boot you out for not really being in an emergency situation or they won’t provide the type of support that you’re seeking as you’ve described in your post and I wouldn’t recommend going to one based on what you’ve written today.
Caveat here to say that mental health wards are important for people who are in need of emergency mental health care (i.e. psychotic breaks, mental breakdowns, and when at urgent risk to one’s own life) but the standard of care is generally pretty poor.
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While I appreciate the other advice given to you about volunteering and connecting with others, now is not the right time to be pursuing that imo based on what you’ve said in your post.
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I would strongly recommend that you seek out a support for navigating the mental health system. This might be a support worker, a social worker, a case manager, or someone you trust like a family member to help you with managing intake forms etc.
Unfortunately I’m not familiar with the Canadian mental health system so I can’t tell you what’s out there or what is good. You might want to try posting on a Canada-specific r*ddit sub to get direction from people who are familiar with this stuff.
- In the interim period, there’s an American app called White Flag that is an online peer support chat that you can use to vent and get some support. I’m not sure if they’ll accept Canadian phone numbers in the sign-up process but there are ways to get around this and I can help with that if you’re stuck.
This isn’t going to be the same thing as ongoing therapeutic support from a professional but it sounds like you are in need of urgent support and this will (hopefully) be an avenue for you to get some support and to vent in order to ease the burden, if only slightly.
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Try not to overidentify with the trope about men doing anything except going to therapy. This doesn’t apply to you; you are trying to get therapy and you’re doing your best to get it.
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In the longer-term, there are some indications in your post that make me believe that it would be worthwhile investigating the possibility that you may be autistic. There are resources and autism screening tests available online, although that stuff is a bit patchy and can be difficult to navigate as an adult for reasons that I won’t get into here. There’s a c/neurodiverse available here for support if you are seeking resources and information should you want to explore this possibility in the future. You can also @ me or send me a DM if you prefer.
I hope at least some of this has been helpful.
I just want to take the opportunity to acknowledge the fact that it takes a lot of strength to reach out like you’ve done. You are doing the right things, it’s just difficult to navigate your way through mental health systems (partly by design) but this is not a reflection on you and it’s not because of any personal failing. You will get better at this especially with advice, support, and experience so keep at it - you’re on the right path.
I’d recommend going the private insurance route. It sucks but it may be worth the trouble. Keep going to the counselor you saw today in the meantime.
I’d also recommend checking out woebot (https://woebothealth.com/). It’s not as good as counseling but it’s available whenever you need it and some people have found it helpful.
If you can summon the motivation, find somewhere you can volunteer to help others. Even a homeless shelter or something.
Many people have gone through what you’re going through now. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s hard to see now.
Okay, sorry for the double-tap but here are some resources that may be useful to you (although I don’t know the Canadian system so I can’t give any personal recommendations):
CrisisCentreChat.ca - Online distress service for adults (25+, BC & Yukon)
Peer Navigator and Peer Support Programs (Vancouver)
Vancouver Coastal Health (This appears to be a government health service. You will probably need to find the relevant region they service and seek out what supports they offer although you might try their central contact and navigate through that way as well.)
I can try to find free or low-cost counselling services available if you would like.
