EX-FIL apologized and his wife did not, She said she finds it disrespectful that I don’t do anything in honor of her daughter and that I even stopped wearing my wedding ring when she died. I’m not going to take that personally, I know that the death of a child is really hard but I’m not an extension of her daughter, I am my own person.

I just told them that they’re no longer invited to the wedding because I was very kind but they didn’t respected me, my mother and my girlfriend, I told Ex-MIL that i will make my whole family block them from everything if she keeps trying to make my mother feel bad, until the end she stood her ground and never said ‘sorry’. Was I cruel? I don’t care, I don’t owe them anything. My mother lost her husband and they used that to manipulate her mind. They stopped being my family when their daughter died, I always just had a respectful treat with them, nothing more.

I won’t make a table in honor of anyone, I won’t make a video in honor of anyone or anything like that, I’ll only have my brother’s favorite beer and wine because it’s something that that cute drunk told me in life that he wanted haha. My wife said she never lost anyone close to her so she really doesn’t need to pay tribute to anyone.

The only thing that will be honored will be the union of me and my wife’s because that’s the thing that makes my days perfect and filled with happiness. I don’t like symbolic things because I believe that the dead are dead and that’s it, they are not still by my side or anything like that but that’s MY belief and point of view, everyone can have a different point of view.

To be honest I thought I would get a lot of YTA, Since my father passed away it has seemed strange to me how people see widows and widowers, everyone wanted my mother to continue loving my father even after he passed away and when it happened to me I felt the same pressure.

“I’m a bad bad person for loving my girlfriend so much more than I loved her?”, “Am I wrong for feeling that the worst loss in my life was my brother’s and not my wife’s or father?”, “all the widows have pictures of their deceased partners, I’m a bad person for not wanting to do that?” “Should I still wear my wedding ring like the widows from the grief counseling does? But I don’t want to” or “Am I a bad person for not feeling anything for her anymore?”

I felt guilt many times long time ago. They were questions that I asked myself daily as soon as I began my relationship with my wife, questions that I don’t ask at all anymore but they really tortured me because what is usually expected of a widower is that we are that forever, never the husband, eternally the Melancholic character even if we have found someone new.

We are always expected to love our deceased partner even if we have a new person because “you can romantically love two people at the same time” but what if I don’t want to? What if that’s not for me and I want to give all my love to just one person? What if i want to move on with my life?. I think at this point I’m just venting so I’m sorry if you made it this far, haha

Be kinder to new wives and husbands, I felt ready to start dating two years later and i met the love of my life, but I know a lot of married people who shouldn’t be because they’re still grieving and sending all that mental load to their partners. Please learn that it is good to be alone when you do not feel ready, there’s nothing wrong with being single.

Thanks for the people who gave me good advices even if some of them were pretty weird. I had an agitated weekend so now I just want to watch tv with my gf.

Comments

That_Survey5021: You didn’t have kids together right? If not. Move on from your Ex in-laws. They are never going to treat your new wife w/o thinking of their daughter. Which means there’s always going to be a problem. When you have a kid. You didn’t name it after her. When you buy a house. You can’t bring her to the house you live with with your wife. When you go on a vacation. You went there with your wife and your sullying it by bringing your new wife. It’s never going to stop.

JuliaX1984: Isn’t it great how love can give us courage to stand up for others when we wouldn’t do it for ourselves? Great job, all of you!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Oh no. Guy is idiot. Persistence is great but you need to smart about it and he has a terrible goal. I got my parter by being a river carving a canyon through a mountain. You can’t just force things. Also I am 100% not loving to my partner in public. My partner expressed this wish. People outside may think we are cold to each other but that’s not the case. Hope he gets reality check assuming this is real.

This almost sounds like an episode of “dont tell the bride” from the perspective of the wedding photographer.

The bride and groom asked me to follow them to another location for a ferry ride. They told me it would be a 10 minute drive, it was an hour drive. I was well within my rights to turn around a quit now that I had my contract, but I was feeling nice and figured the more time driving the less time actually spending with these people.

We arrive at the ferry (which was actually just a little tour boat) and the wedding party was astonished to find that they were supposed to make a reservation. Their wedding planner had told them not to worry about it, but the boat needed to be reserved weeks in advance. So, we ended up going on a hike in the area. It started pouring rain and flooding the trail, but the bride and groom kept their wedding clothes on, even through all the mud and water. There was a waterfall at the end of the trail that they tried to climb up. I didn’t want to die, so I declined to climb the slippery rocks next to the cliff with tumbling rapids. I turned around and drove the 3-4 hours home and crashed for about 24 hours. Hopefully they got home safely too.

Sorry for not updating sooner, I was horribly exhausted. The wedding was not as bad as I thought, but if they hadn’t paid me more I wouldn’t have gone. The couple was really nice, just horrible communicators and with bad judgement on trusting this photographer/wedding planner. The planner was the true villain imo.

OOP’s Comment:

Commenter: Sounds like the wedding planner has never planned a wedding before? I don’t know if the wedding planner didn’t know how to plan a wedding or the couple couldn’t make up their minds on a venue.

OOP: as far as i know the planner picked the venue too - the couple had never been to this area before

Well now I’m using this. Bless you.

Worst i had it was 1.5 hrs one way. Hated it.

I was thinking it had to do with the wierd horror movie I didn’t see. Thanks.

Husband needs to grow balls. Before this escalates

*****New Update Post: June 30, 2024 (2 years later)*****

Title: Life after the tunnel for us

Hi Reddit long time no see, I have some updates for you but first I want to thank you for all your comments and messages. Everytime I log into this account I am bombarded by mostly positive things and I appreciate it a lot. I am unsure if anybody will read this but for those who want updates they are mainly good ones.

With that out of the way, let’s get to it.

My parents are divorced now, after many fights and tantrums from my Mother. She kept the house and got a bulk payment but that is it. My Dad is like a new man and we are all so happy for him.

A little throwback: when all the drama happened, we did not fire our cleaning lady! this is a woman that had been helping my husband’s family for decades and I was very stressed out about her being out of work because of what my crazy family did. Also, we are not slobs and she is not polishing floors on her knees or anything like that. In any case, my Dad spoke with her and told her she was on paid vacation and until we had a new house to please wait for us if she wanted but she was absolutely not fired. She was really happy about it and so was her family. My Dad started to get food and stuff from them from time to time because they were so thankful about what he was doing for them.

Well… She has a sister, who owns her own nail salon, and my Dad is dating her now. She is a very lovely woman and has grown children so she understands the dynamics happening sometimes. He has been very clear he is not moving or marrying and she is pleased with that because she likes her independence. My Mother nearly had a stroke when she heard about his new relationship and kept saying it was a late mid life crisis and he had to resort to be a sugar daddy, this is obviously what I heard because I don’t have any contact with her.

But last I heard she is having a hard time. She is struggling because she was never good at budgeting and relied on my Dad to put a stop on ridiculous purchases. My sister is also struggling because my Dad is not helping her with money anymore. You’ll see, he was willing to keep helping for the sake of my nephew but then things got very rough. My nephew started calling my kid an affair baby, how she is not with her real dad, called my other nephews delusional, and during a birthday party he even pushed one of my nephews on my husband’s side saying they were not my kid’s cousins only he was. The kids were perplexed and so so so confused but immediately told an adult about it. My Dad spoke with him but he kept repeating it, he spoke with my sister and she said she could do nothing to prevent a kid from telling the truth and didn’t all kids tell always the truth? he told her until there is a change he is cutting them off. She panicked and cried but she is also super stubborn so now my nephew goes to public school because “my Husband made my Dad cut them off”.

Bates, well, he is still unemployed. I know I was cryptic about it but he was in an industry related to vulnerable women and some of it related to stalking (irony much?) that’s why he was fired, the organization he was in didn’t want this to splash on them. I have received 2 more very long handwritten rambling letters from him and since he only has my lawyer’s address guess who has the honor of receiving, reading, and file those ramblings? I love my lawyer and he is a champ. Apart from that and the gossip I have not had bad issues related to him except for one: I was at the grocery store and a random woman came over to ask if my kid was Bates’ baby, I was speechless and shocked. I asked her what she was on and she said he has a photo of us on his profile and I should be ashamed of myself for hurting such a good man. Turns out he is still going by the narrative my kid is his and I loved him so much.

That is all old news but at the end what shocked me the most was the pic comment. This is not a photo that has been public or anything like that, it was sent to a family group once and that is it. I told my husband immediately and he was enraged but composed, we decided to smoke out the rat. Long story short it was my Dad’s two sisters feeding info to my Mom. My Dad was so disappointed but also had no doubts cutting them off, they are still begging him to talk to them again.

My brother and his family are doing great, we see them a lot and have been in some family holidays since the last update. They are also NC with my Mom and sister, my SIL is actually super happy about it because it turns out she was not a fan of our Mom but kept the peace.

My in laws keep being lovely as well, we allow MIL overnight babysitting now too and she is over the moon with it. Sometimes she has all her grandchildren under the same roof and they are all delighted to be with her, she is a former flight attendant so their favorite game is to pretend airplane. Overall they love her and we know she is good with out kid so we not worry. She had to make her socials private because my Mom kept stalking her, I am sure she is extremely jealous but she made her own bed.

Lastly, my Husband keeps me sane whenever little things come up. We are thinking if we should have another baby or maybe adopt one, we are still undecided. We have a great support system and the privilege to have this conversations. I still miss my Mom a lot, I sometimes cry when I realize there are milestones I can no longer share with her but she is a bad person and the safety of my family matters more.

Last fun fact: this father’s day they actually went camping, it went great apart from the mosquito bites and some ill placed sunburns.

Relevant Comments:

Could Bates ask for a paternity test/report the photo:

We already did a paternity test, not with Bates but with my husband. We never ever had doubt obviously but my lawyer suggested to have it done in case he claimed it. The photo incident was a while back and we already took it off his facebook page, I didn’t want to go further because I don’t want to see him again.

Editor’s note: Well aware I wrote the wrong years when labeling- was focused more on trying to get the time between posts correct. That’s fixed now, thanks to those of you who were polite about it. Don’t be a fucking dick and call me stupid in the dms please.

Update Post 4: June 25, 2022 (3 months later, 6 from OG post)

Title: A little Bates Update.

Hi Reddit, TLDR: I am happy to report we are all alive, well, in a new house and baby is thriving. And Bates was fired.

Longer version:

We officially moved into a new house, with my Dad moving into the guest house. We had many discussions both in and outside therapy and we decided that while it would be good for him to be with us we all still need our space. We are still renting out the old place and will be deciding what to do later.

My Dad has the grandchildren all together about 3 times a week now, he still has to see my Sister’s kid separately since she refused to let him take the kid unless she knew where he lived, which to be fair is a normal thing but considering she is crazy we don’t want her close. My Mom complained to the lawyers about how unfair it is my Dad still gets to see all grandchildren but there is nothing she can do about it. About a month ago my Dad told me he had a confession and my stomach started hurting…… Dear reader, he pays for my nephew’s (Sister’s kid) schooling and babysitting which is why she still allows him to see him. He felt so guilty for hiding it and didn’t want to keep secrets. I assured him it was nothing wrong and to please don’t feel bad.

On Mother’s day, my Dad got an email with a link to an Instagram account in which they made a sad video about my Mom and how most of her family has abandoned her and how much of a saint my sister is for being there for her. It was really pathetic and enraged me but I just sent it to the lawyer. Dad officially filled for divorce in May and the process is still ongoing. My Mom insists he is wrong, but my Dad said he’d rather drink bleach than go back to her so I think that is final.

My Brother and Husband took my Dad out for Father’s day and had a blast. My sister posted many many many things that day but they managed to block my Dad from even learning about it because we wanted him to enjoy it. They also did a “camping trip with the kids” a.k.a. went to a hotel, got a suite and put a tent in the middle area for the kids and a little tippie for baby. Honestly, having baby is one of the best things that have happened to me and seeing my Husband being the amazing father I knew he would be makes me so happy. It is tiring but we have so much support I feel grateful beyond anything because I have my rocks on my side. My SILs and I now get to have a little calendar on sharing things all the kids get to do things that are age appropriate and if they want to - we want to let them all know they do not need to hang out with people they dislike and their voices matter, right now they are ALL obsessed with baby and say they are her protectors - and we get little get togethers, brunch, etc. Honestly, having family time is now a pleasure and not a headache without my sister there. I know is wrong to say but she just sucks the positivity out of the room.

My MIL also loves having time with baby and stays in the guest room about once a week, she asked politely and said she didn’t want to take baby for sleepovers or anything. I feel respected and heard by her and yes have broken down sometimes because I miss my Mom a lot. I miss the Mom I had or thought I had, not the one that told me I would be a terrible mother or was a hateful woman. My therapist says it’s a marathon and to focus in the good.

Speaking about good: Bates was terminated, not only that but his reputation in his industry was not only damaged but nuclear level damaged. So was his brother’s but because BIL is not in an industry that cares as much about reputation he still has his job as far as I know. Bates sent me a 12 page, double sided, seemed single space letter about how hurt he is I am denying him what’s his and my husband is so threatened by him that he had to go and destroy him professionally because he would not be able to destroy anything else. I said seemed cause I didn’t read it, my lawyer did and gave me a summary. I also heard from the grapevine (No, I don’t ask people, they just tell me since they know he is stalking me) that the mother of his children moved and he didn’t even care and said it was for the best. This man doesn’t even care about his kids and wants to play family with baby and me! Sadly, he won’t be homeless or anything because Mommy already let him move back in with her so I doubt he will learn anything from this.

Not the flashiest of updates but just what is. Oh, and my husband burnt or donated every single item given to him by my Mom or my “parents” with my Dad’s blessing. He says life is too short to give her space in his life even with memories.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: I am really glad you are coming through all that with the good bits of your family very intact. I don’t really get the firing part. I get Bates is a bad dude, but has he ever done anything that has relevance or a connection to his work?

OOP: Without giving up his industry, it is a very close knit one and when you get a bad reputation it sunks you. He was thought as a nice but distantnice feminist single dad before this. He even told some coworkers I was with him for longer than we were.

Commenter: Op , i am reading your full post from the best of reddit at 1.30 am from my home in India and i have respect and sorry for what you’ve faced and i hope your child grows to be healthy and nice as you both. Also i hope this whole fiasco is over soon and you can be bqck with your mother after her ex fantasy is over. Respect for you Keep fighting

OOP: That is a lovely sentiment but I will never talk to my Mom again. I miss her a lot. I cry a lot. She is not the person I thought she was and baby deserves the best family we can get and my Mom is not part of it. It breaks my heart but I need to protect baby.

OOP Comments on the second BORU Post:

I came to check the comments since tequilitas told me the sub was full of nice people but so many snarky ones. I won’t give more identifying info but Bates is supposed to work with vulnerable people which is why my husband contacted their employer.

As for the money thing, we all come from well to do backgrounds for saying something so I never thought he would suffer for money, but he also will never learn anything

Update Post 3: March 30, 2022 (3 months later)

Title: Thank you Reddit Family

Hi, I’ve received some requests for an update and had a little time so decided it could be a good fit. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart from your comments, messages and well… Every advice because I feel we owe you for being even more paranoid then we were being.

A couple people asked me what method we used to know the gender of the baby: I announced it after 20 weeks. The reason for waiting so long is we have experienced a loss in the past, which we were preparing to announce when it happened, and we wanted to be sure and have a safety feeling about the announcement. Alsso, we were naive enought to think it would be special for my Mom.

And you were right, after posting I handed it to my husband and he read your messages, comments, and advice for some days. We swiped the house and thankfully found nothing but felt extremely unsafe so we went to a hotel with my Dad. But then we realized there was a tracker on my fur baby’s vest. He is a very small dog and gets cold a lot so he has a funny vest. Never in a million years would I have thought of looking there, but we discovered the tracker when my Dad walked him around the hotel area and my sister came and asked him about me and reconciliation. I was really upset so we decided to move. Thankfully we can afford it! We are renting at the moment and also renting out our place so is not just empty, I used to love that house but now I feel is ruined and tainted somehow. Sadly, my parents house feels the same and not only for me.

We all (Brother, Husband, Dad, SIL and even my Husband’s family) changed our numbers, got new electronics and notified employers, friends, police. We also started therapy and family therapy, my Dad and Brother feel extreme guilt over the situation even if I have truly forgiven them but we are healing as a unit. My sister and Mom insist they are not wrong and they don’t need therapy. My Dad made a new will in which my sister’s son gets a trustfund and some inheritance but my sister gets a token amount, he is truly done with her. I was feeling bad for her but I decided to focus my energy on my baby.

She is here and we are blessed. It is not the experience I thought of since my Mom is not around me anymore but so many friends and family members have truly surprised us. By the end we were so paranoid we started testing some people we were unsure of telling them I was going into labor… It worked like a charm, we discovered who was still feeding info to my Mom and sister and cut them out, the rest understood when we explained the reasoning. My ex whom my friends now call “Bates” went around saying the baby was his cause we*‘ve been having a torrid afair due to my undying love for him*, nobody believes him anymore but it made my Husband contact Bates’ employer and tell him about all the craziness. Long story short, he was put on a suspension pending internal reviewing. I am almost positive he will be fired since they have asked us for more and more info and they seem really apologetic.

My Mom has tried to find us but all the people that know of our location have gone NC with her, my Dad’s lawyer sent her a letter stating that due to her unstability all correspondance will be through lawyers now. It has been us and my Dad because I felt so bad for him being alone. He has promised he will be fine and nothing is my fault but I still feel awful. He has been the best babysitter, feeder, daiper changer in the universe. My nephews are loving as always and my Dad even got a visit with my sister’s son. It came about because she kept making videos threatening to hurt herself if my Husband didn’t stop alienating her family so my Dad emailed her about seeing her son and told her he would call the police about her threats so that seems to have stopped it.

Lastly, someone brought up I gave Bates false hope. It can’t be further from the truth. I spent years uncomfortable because I thought he would move on, then after I spoke up and then met my husband I spent such a long time fighting my sister about it. I had a very long engagement which is why I married after my sister. I still love my Mom and sister, but I choose a healthy life for me and my family over that love.

I have discovered a lot of loyalty, love and compassion through this whole thing. As strange as it may seem I feel lucky it all exploded. Hopefully it is not much of a ramble. Big hugs from me.

matter what and say they are willing to help me fight whatever ridiculous fight my Mom or siter put.

Update Post 2: December 17, 2021 (Just over 1 week later)

Title: Final Update

Editor’s note- it is not the final update

Or I hope it is.

I want to thank the lovely messages and encouraging words. I decided to post it here so it wouldn’t be deleted like the original was. Things are great and horrible at the same time but I am trying to remain positive about everything.

My brother and his wife sat my nephews down and explained that grandma was ill and tried to hurt auntie Diamond and the little cousin. They explained grandma would not be part of their lives anymore but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love them, it was really hard but the kids are smart. They were also told other aunt is no longer in their life but they don’t care because they dislike her, not because of me alone simply because she is not exactly great with them either. My mom lost it when she was informed and started claiming she had rights and she will get to see her grandchildren.

My dad is looking for a permanent place but will stay with us until January, mainly due to my brother’s MIL coming to visit and we having the space. He is really sad, has called divorce lawyers already, moved bank stuff, etc. He has been getting countless emails, messages and calls from my mom but he doesn’t reply to anything; the lawyer told him to not block her right now. He considered maybe forgiving her but

I got a huge spike on my blood pressure a couple days after my last post here because she decided to come to my place WITH my sister. My sister had never been to my home, my mom knew I didn’t want her there but I guess that doesn’t matter anymore. The cleaning lady let them in since she knows my mom and I haven’t had the time to inform her she was not allowed to come in anymore. I was just coming from some errands and I saw the car, this time I didn’t get in. I called all of my relatives and my SIL (husband’s sister) was the one closer to me, she confronted them and told them either they leave of I call the police on them for trespassing. They left and I started feeling bad, we went to the Dr and they told me all the “excitement” was not good and I neded to start relaxing or it would hurt the baby. My dad went home with my brother, uncle and my husband and took every single thing he could think of. My husband says my sister was there too and she kept screaming at him that he destroyed her family. My dad told my mom and sister they almost killed the baby and he also doesn’t want to talk to any of them again.

My sister kept sending messages to my brother, begging for help but is not happening. I am devastated and very sad for my nephew since he is losing so much of his family because his mother has some wacky ideas but it is what it is. As per the custody and grandparent rights my mom wants to throw around so much, my lawyer sent her a letter stating she caused harm to my health and the baby and if she keeps harassing me it will become an official legal matter. My brother also sent her a letter using her harassing of me. Both, mom and sister, have refused to go to therapy. They might be mentally ill but with all of this coming to light it is obvious they have been in agreement for a long time.

I will focus on spending the holidays with my family, being healthy and going to therapy.

Red flags everywhere.

I spent most of the rest of the day downstairs, until my sister came home. She had obviously been crying, and was in a bad mood. My mom took her into the kitchen to try and calm her down, so I kept sitting in the living room. I felt like a bratty little kid again. Like, I genuinely felt like I’d fucked up my sister’s marriage and probably ruined our relationship in the process too. Everything just felt awful, and when my sister came out of the kitchen, she didn’t even look at me, just went storming back upstairs. Her wife started yelling first, and they were fighting for a while before it got quieter upstairs. My mom, dad, and I went out for dinner, and when we came home, my SIL was waiting for us.

My SIL apologized to me, saying she had been petty and rude, and that the wedding date thing had been a non-issue. I said it was okay if she was upset about the wedding thing, but I wish she had let me know. She said it wasn’t that easy, since my sister would basically take a bullet for me, and it had caused them a big fight before their wedding. I said I had no idea, and that I was sorry to be the source of that tension, and I just wanted to be able to be a good sister-in-law myself, and be a good aunt. My SIL got angry, and said I had ruined the opportunity for the first one, and she wasn’t banking on the second one. Then, she stormed upstairs, and she and my sister got into another big fight.

I felt awful. The bad feelings manifested physically, and I spent most of the night throwing up while my sister and her wife fought. My mom was really kind to stay up with me, and my dad tried to get my sister and her wife to get off each other’s backs. I specifically heard my SIL shouting, “Who would you jump in front of a train for? Me, or her?” And my sister responded, without missing a beat, “My sister, no questions asked.” They got quieter after that, and my SIL started up the screaming about an hour later saying, “I’d let all my siblings die for you.”

My sister slept on the couch, and the two of us went out for breakfast in the morning. She basically said that after my SIL gave birth, she and my sister were going to separate. They would try counseling prior to the birth, and afterwards too, but if things weren’t getting better, they’d be divorcing. I said that it shouldn’t have gotten that far, and I was sorry for pushing the both of them. My sister said that my SIL does this to all my sister’s friends, and they’ve been fighting often. But, she clarified that the way she treated me was a dealbreaker. She said it might’ve sounded sad, but I was her best friend from birth, and she wouldn’t let me not feel welcome like that. I felt really guilty, and started crying again. She kept saying she wanted it this way, their relationship was broken as is, etc.

It’s been tense and awkward ever since. My SIL won’t look at me or speak to me, and I’ve given up. My sister has been by my side a lot, and has amped up the good sister behavior 10x. I feel like shit, everything is really terrible, and I’m sure I’m going to be making another post during the actual Christmas bullshit. Not a great update, but there we are!

TL;DR: My sister and her wife are separating because of my SIL’s behavior towards me.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

What’s the context?

Oh shucks guess I’ll just take left

Was it a French kiss?

“How do you beat a man on drugs if you are not on drugs”

And apparently here is an answer.

I’m dumb I was thing it was chef Ramsey.

Love it when commenters on point.