My memory really only seems to function properly for keeping track of large sets of complicated variables, like writing lore or designing a rule set or coding. Ask it to remember something simple and it’ll completely throw it out the window. Which, okay, it’s a pain in the ass, but I can really do that first bit in a way that I watch other people struggle with.
I may operate like a confused blob spreading in all directions, but every little piece of that work is a chunk of a bigger picture that I can see clearly. I may be flitting from task to task within that work and advancing ideas as my brain spontaneously shifts focus, but when they’re all tied to the same end result they all advance the work in an organic and automatic way.
When I let myself work that way, that’s when I really feel what Bukowski meant by “Don’t try”.
Yes, it takes me literally forever to leave the house in the morning. Sure, numbers without a specific meaning and immediate use swim around in my head like alphabet soup. Okay, I literally can barely tell the difference between one hour and six hours if I’m not using some sort of event to track the time.
But my awareness in the moment is pretty on point. I’ll catch things other people won’t. I’m great at spotting the silhouettes of animals out in the dark and I notice erratic drivers from a mile away. The same things about my memory that make me terrible at getting my day going or that make it hard for me to keep up to date with people or deal with paperwork also make me way more observant than I would be otherwise. They’re also the reason I can track these massive piles of inter-related data and not feel overwhelmed. My memory works differently, but it’s pretty useful for what I need it for.
We’re different, and sometimes it sucks. But a big part of the reason it sucks is because society isn’t built for our particular variety of human. That doesn’t mean we’re not beneficial to ourselves or our species, and it doesn’t mean we’re broken. It means we work differently and we have different capabilities.
For some people it may make sense to medicate to make it easier to keep track of things, and some people may not have or may not have found applications for the way their memory works differently; we all have to find what works for us.
But I also think that we don’t necessarily have to frame our experience of our own brains around apologizing for not being what society expects or overly pathologizing our own variation from the perceived norm.
I am Bipolar 1. I am currently experiencing a hypomanic episode and your statement resonates so much that I’m going to look for more resources about ADHD. Thanks for sharing your insights.
I’m the same way. It’s as if my brain is very good at holding connected ideas and forming complex models, but hopelessly bad at holding unrelated information. Like, I can hold an entire schematic in my head all day but can’t remember a random zipcode longer than a few seconds.
My memory really only seems to function properly for keeping track of large sets of complicated variables, like writing lore or designing a rule set or coding. Ask it to remember something simple and it’ll completely throw it out the window. Which, okay, it’s a pain in the ass, but I can really do that first bit in a way that I watch other people struggle with.
I may operate like a confused blob spreading in all directions, but every little piece of that work is a chunk of a bigger picture that I can see clearly. I may be flitting from task to task within that work and advancing ideas as my brain spontaneously shifts focus, but when they’re all tied to the same end result they all advance the work in an organic and automatic way.
When I let myself work that way, that’s when I really feel what Bukowski meant by “Don’t try”.
Yes, it takes me literally forever to leave the house in the morning. Sure, numbers without a specific meaning and immediate use swim around in my head like alphabet soup. Okay, I literally can barely tell the difference between one hour and six hours if I’m not using some sort of event to track the time.
But my awareness in the moment is pretty on point. I’ll catch things other people won’t. I’m great at spotting the silhouettes of animals out in the dark and I notice erratic drivers from a mile away. The same things about my memory that make me terrible at getting my day going or that make it hard for me to keep up to date with people or deal with paperwork also make me way more observant than I would be otherwise. They’re also the reason I can track these massive piles of inter-related data and not feel overwhelmed. My memory works differently, but it’s pretty useful for what I need it for.
We’re different, and sometimes it sucks. But a big part of the reason it sucks is because society isn’t built for our particular variety of human. That doesn’t mean we’re not beneficial to ourselves or our species, and it doesn’t mean we’re broken. It means we work differently and we have different capabilities.
For some people it may make sense to medicate to make it easier to keep track of things, and some people may not have or may not have found applications for the way their memory works differently; we all have to find what works for us.
But I also think that we don’t necessarily have to frame our experience of our own brains around apologizing for not being what society expects or overly pathologizing our own variation from the perceived norm.
I am Bipolar 1. I am currently experiencing a hypomanic episode and your statement resonates so much that I’m going to look for more resources about ADHD. Thanks for sharing your insights.
I’m the same way. It’s as if my brain is very good at holding connected ideas and forming complex models, but hopelessly bad at holding unrelated information. Like, I can hold an entire schematic in my head all day but can’t remember a random zipcode longer than a few seconds.