When I was prepubescent I was very “jealous” of some boys. I remember a boy in 5th grade that had almost abs and I couldn’t stop thinking about them or him for some reason.

I knew what gay was, but it was outside the range of possibilities. Gay people were evil and fruity and effeminate and molested kids and lived in San Francisco and weren’t Christians. I’m a good Christian boy that’s normal so I can’t be gay. Although my classmates certainly thought I was gay and let me know all the time.

When I started masturbating, because I was a good boy, I’d look at PG-13 porn. I’d literally Google things like “girls in bikinis”. This was in sixth grade.

Going into 7th grade… I started straight up having crushes on guys and even having sex dreams. We had to start changing in gym. I really really liked changing in gym. I even liked that sweaty smell. My “porn” started to become things like “Aaron Carter shirtless” or “boys wrestling bulges”.

I would rationalize it in my mind - I just like the male form… It’s just “hero worship” because those boys are so much hotter than me… It’s just a phase… I haven’t met the right girl yet.

Going into high school I sort of just accepted that I was gay.

That self-acceptance didn’t really help. I was a 100% virgin until I was 24.

When I was 24 I was (and still am) really really depressed. I had gone from slightly chubby boy to morbidly obese man. I weighed 315.

There was a guy, my age, that I had a crush on at work and would think about constantly. He was pretty masculine and straight acting for lack of a better word but there were little hints here and there that he was gay and that made my crush that much more intense.

I felt so disgusted with my body that I never really approached him or tried to flirt or anything like that… But he unkowingly motivated me to lose 75 lb in 6 months. I’m 6’4 so 240 lb is still little chubby but it’s in the realm of normal.

With new found confidence we started flirting through instant message and texts… Before you knew it we were in the backseat of my car making out and I was jerking him off. This started a sort of casual relationship with going out and jerking and sucking.

After a few months he got a new job and moved away. Sad face.

I thought that was going to be a jumping off point into being a normal person. Instead I went back in my shell. Shot back up to 360 lbs. Never tried an app or dating or anything in the 10 years since.