This will be long, so strap in…
For years I battled with some mental health issues that prevented me from working or studying. Finally, after being very close to going into debt, I managed to get a job last november. I was happy, I had a job at a company that I liked, I had a bf, I was overcoming my agoraphobia and things felt like they were going well. Only thing that sucked was that I was still stuck living with my occasionally abusive and toxic ex, and in my country we’re experiencing a massive housing crisis, so moving out while earning less than min wage is pretty much impossible. Even if I earned above min wage, I’d had to earn a lot to be able to rent a place.
Anyway, piece by piece, things started to deteriorate. I broke up with my bf in january, and while I consider this as either positive or neutral thing, it has left me feeling lonely. One of my and my ex’s cats died in april. Around this time there was also some drama at work, but it luckily was solved. In may one day at work I became extremely confused over what time it was and a coworker took me to a hospital, I won’t go into detail about that day more, but this started a massive decline in my physical health.
I started having issues with my balance, being confused, suffering from headaches/migraines, and lightheadedness. I was unable to work fully anymore, the doctors weren’t helpful, but eventually I got sent to do some tests in a hospital, my appointment is in october. I’ve been on sick leave for over a month now, and I don’t think I’ll be able to return for a while, if ever. My already less than min wage got cut even more, I now earn only 800€/month. Luckily I don’t have to pay for rent or food (my ex earns enough and is nice enough to buy food and also cook, which I am grateful for).
The issue is, my ex decided that he wanted to adopt a kitten. It was “his” cat that died, and he wanted our other cat to have company (the two cats were adopted as kittens about a year ago). His mom, whose cat is actually a littermate of ours, had recently had two kittens and so after a bit of begging from my ex, I agreed to take one of the kittens. He’s adorable, like all kittens, but he is also a menace. He’s scratched on some exposed floor, creating a mess. My ex didn’t seem to give a shit. The kitten is now chewing on cords, got caught in a cord yesterday, climbing the curtains, scratching the rug, and overall just being a hyperactive kitten. Now, my ex works 8h/day, about 6 days a week, and even if he isn’t working, he might just go out at a friends place or be at his mom’s. When he’s home, he cooks, pets the kitten, then goes upstairs to play, leaving the kitten downstairs with me. For someone who really wanted a kitten as bad as he did, he barely interacts with it.
I’m barely able to take care of myself in the state I’m in right now. I’m constantly tired, I don’t sleep well, I can’t stand up for long or at all at times, I have headaches/migraines often… I’m sick. Not sure what it is, but I have a hunch. But yeah, if I stand up too fast or too long or just wrong, I might fall. I already have, and often I can feel my knees going weak even when I just took a few steps to the fridge to get a drink. I can’t really take care of a kitten right now. Nor did I really want to. When I agreed to this, it wasn’t so bad, and my ex said he’d take care of the kitten. He’s barely home, or gives a shit about the furry little menace when he is.
Today I’ve had a bad headache for hours, and I couldn’t properly rest because I had to make sure that little ball of pure energy didn’t chew through a charging cable, or trying to stop him from ripping down our curtains. When my ex came home, he again didn’t bother to play with his kitten to burn off the energy a bit, leaving me to deal with constant noise and stress while I’m trying to rest my head. Not to mention that the house is a total mess. Dishes are piling up, so is the laundry, his half of the house is a total disaster (no proper flooring, half built wall between two bedrooms, months worth of pizza boxes, trash, random screws and construction material, clothes on the floor, etc.). I try to do what I can, but at this point it is not much. I can’t even empty the dishwasher everyday.
I have nobody to help me. I don’t even think my ex believes I’m sick. I feel overall just lonely. I don’t really have friends… I talk to some people online, but that’s it… I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know if this illness is going to be permanent, if my hunch is correct there is no real cure and treatment is also a bit… uncertain. I’m scared. I’m so done that I’ve threatened to take the kitten to a shelter, because clearly my ex doesn’t give a fuck about him, but if I do then I’ll be kicked out. And then what? I get to struggle out on the streets when I can barely walk. And yes, my ex can kick me out and any moment without a warning.
I don’t know if there’s any other way out of this than killing myself. I can’t see any future for myself. My head hurts, I feel tired, I can’t run this house in a state like this, nor do I want to clean up after a 33 year old manchild. I didn’t want to be sick again… Should I just push myself to the limit? Go back to work, clean the whole house? And who cares if I have head splitting migraine. I don’t think anyone would care if I fell and hit my head. Maybe I am just lazy…
The kitten luckily has tons of toys (half of them under the couch at the moment lol) and a whole other cat to play with, so with activity and social interaction, he is doing fine. He is also getting fed and his litterboxes get cleaned, just in case anybody is worried. Most of the damage comes from the kitten not understanding what he isn’t allowed to scratch, he has a flat plank on the floor, a ball and about a 2 m long scratching post, but both kitties just love scratching the doormat, as well as some exposed floor insulation(?).
My ex said yesterday that he would not be hiring anyone. I discussed today with my social worker if I could get some help to clean, as somedays I struggle to stand up long enough to even make food for myself, she said she’d look into it, but both of us are not very optimistic that I’d get anything. I’m thinking of taking pics of the worst chaos, maybe mostly just showing how unfinished the house is, and has been for years, and sending it to his mom and friends, maybe his brothers too. I’m just nervous if they’d blame me for it and/or how he’d react… He hasn’t told anyone that we broke up years ago, he also hasn’t told anyone that I finally got a job, and I lost contact with them years ago. I’ve only seen his mom recently a few times. But yeah, to everyone I’m basically his freeloading, weird foreign gf. None of them have been to the house in years, and when they did visit the few times years ago, we didn’t show them around.
I’m trying to take things day by day, tried to get a routine going on. It’s hard when some days I’m too tired or sick to play video games. I’ve been working on a project of mine that I hope to turn into a career, or at least a secondary income, but it is tough. I feel like I’ve let everyone down. Nobody says it, but I’m anxious that people don’t believe me, especially since I don’t really have any proof of that this is happening. I went through years of abuse where people accused me of faking or causing my own panic attacks. I had adults watch over me as I hyperventilated uncontrollably and just… stare at me. I’m so scared the same will happen again.
Well–you’re clearly very resourceful! You’ve got the kitten thing managed as best you can. You’re asking the same questions, of the same IRL people, that a bunch of randos have come up with… so crowd-sourcing and getting same answers suggests you’re doing everything right.
You have NOT let everyone down, and you’ve got no reason to apologize. Let me tell you a little about my partner’s situation. Supposedly “mental health” issues for ~ten years. Nothing worked–drugs, talk therapy, encouragement, whole raft of diagnoses. Lots of people accused her of faking, including (I’m sad to say) me. Never really pushed it; raised an occasional eyebrow, did my best to be supportive…
Finally, turns out she has Alzheimer’s. Rather atypically early (I think starting around 55 years old). But yeah, as real as the MRI that officially diagnosed it. She had so much anxiety and flaky behavior around “something’s OFF in my head.”
I sincerely hope that all works out well for you, and that you are able to find/create situations that are supportive and allow you joy. My partner too was suicidal. I can’t say she’s exactly ecstatic now–she’s in a nursing home (complications). But: I visit every day, get her to smile, and she knows I love her dearly and will not give up on her. There is still joy in our lives.
I’m sorry to hear about your partner. Alzheimer is brutal! I wish you and your partner lots of strength :)
Thank you so much. I get strength from the kind words of people like you, and from offering what I can for others. Hugs and well-wishes to you.