I’m conflicted. I have a parent who’s dying. I feel the void of the parenting I was supposed to receive. They never fulfilled any of the obligations I consider appropriate. I’m a parent, now. They did none of the things I’m doing for my kids.
On some level, I know the expectation is that I should feel sad. There’s literally no realistic expectation that they’ll turn a new leaf in their 70’s and suddenly become a decent human being. Maybe there’s a 1 in a million chance, but when they die, that’s definitively 0. I want them to turn a new leaf, but I know it’s unrealistic. I get jealous (and keep it to myself) when my friends and family have their parents in their lives.
On the other hand, they are literally the worst person in my life. I’ve never had anyone treat me as badly and fail me so hard as they have. I haven’t spoken to them in years. They literally don’t understand why, because they’re a narcissist. Very “missing, missing reasons” kind of person.
So I’m conflicted. I have tons of evidence that they suck, but there’s still a part of me that craves a parent actually being there. Part of me thinks I should feel bad when anyone suffers and passes away, but another part of me is borderline relieved.
Why do you think you should feel bad for them passing? Is it because they were responsible for your birth, because a life will cease to exist? There may be different reason why you think you should feel sad, but they only matter if it’s something that matters to you specifically.
The relief you feel for them about to die is genuine and given your description, nobody could blame you for having those feelings either.
Most likely you’re feeling a mix of both but feel more strongly about them passing than you feeling sad for someone dying. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Because that’s what’s typical. People typically grieve the passing of their parents.
Because I’m hard wired that way. I want/love/crave family at a base level. I had kids because I love having a family. I’m a family person. I know, intellectually, that my parent is garbage, but I am emotional as well.