STONINGTON, Conn. — Local man Eddie Walker was rushed to a hospital in critical condition after accidentally laying his head on a pillow with a decorative button, horrified sources confirmed.
“The last thing I remember was throwing my body onto the couch after a long day. I could never have imagined there would be something so hazardous waiting for me,” said Walker as he rubbed his head. “When I came to, they told me I suffered both a concussion and severe lacerations. I guess I suffered amnesia, too, because I couldn’t remember a thing for days. But they were able to treat that with an experimental procedure that involved hitting me in the head a second time with the same decorative button.”
Aubrey Skinner, Walker’s longtime partner, just thought the button would be cute.
“I just kept looking at our boring old couch pillows and thought they needed a little something new. That’s when I found the TikTok button tutorial video,” said Skinner. “The lady never warned that something like this could happen though! All I did was stitch a few large metal buttons in the middle of Eddie’s favorite pillow. I thought he’d notice how adorable it was, and maybe post a story on Instagram. I could have never imagined he’d violently smash his head into it without even admiring my craft first.”
Emery Ingram is an ER doctor who sees this on a shockingly regular basis.
“Most of my day is spent on these TikTok decorating trends and DIY projects gone wrong. Yesterday, I saved a man’s life after he nearly decapitated himself on a newly installed floating shelf. Then I treated a woman who almost lost a hand that was crushed under the weight of a poorly applied backsplash,” said Ingram. “Oh, and the worst was someone last week who was trapped in their home for days after building themselves into a custom closet system. They managed to survive by extracting nutrients from a dirty sock until a neighbor finally heard the screams.” At press time, Skinner was seen silencing a smoke alarm as she waited for a “toaster grilled cheese” to finish cooking, a welcome home meal for Walker.
I love when this happens to me. The seconds of confusion are a great brain kicker.