I know you’re joking, but your post sent me off on a history hole, that I’ll share with folks if they’re interested:

It wouldn’t be until 2007’s Planar Chaos that Red would get a 2/2 with upside with the uncommon Knight of Chaos… Of course Planar Chaos is mostly a mess of colour pie breaks, so if that doesn’t count: 2008’s Shadowmoor had Stimga Lasher at rare as a 2/2 with upside.

Both of those cards cost RR and neither was at common.

The first true Bear with upside for Red was Ixalan in 2017 that gave us two! Fathom Fleet Firebrand and Tilonalli’s Knight.

Green had already had Wild Mongrel in 2001, and Nomadic Elf in 2000, which both are strickly upside bears.