This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-07-08 02:44:54+00:00.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/IndividualDiamond606 . She posted in r/relationship_advice initially, but all other posts were on her page.
There were 2 BORU’s made with the earlier posts. The first was by u/swankycelery here. The second was by u/tequilitas here.
I did add relevant comments since they were not included in the first posts. **New Updates marked with *******
Thanks to u/NecropolisTD for the rec!
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This is a LONG post.
Trigger Warnings: stalking; mental illness;
Mood Spoiler: happy-ish ending
Original Post (now deleted, recovered here): December 9, 2021
Background: I started dating my brother’s best friend when I was 16. We were together until I graduated high school when he proposed and I rejected it. There was a lot of drama, with my family asking me to reconsider because “we could have a long engagement“ or make a promise to reconcile. My relationship with my brother (36) suffered for a while, but the one with my sister (32) never recovered. She was sure my ex was the best fit for me and became unbearable when she started dating my ex’s brother. My ex was invited everywhere by my siblings, even to some family holidays, but I didn’t say anything since he was their friend too. That is until my sister started to push for us to get back together.
My sister did everything from trying to get us on blind dates to making us share a room during holidays. No matter the occasion, my ex was invited to it. After a while I had enough and asked my parents to intervene, they were clear with my siblings and stopped inviting my ex to things or allowing him to tag along so much. It was slightly better but while my brother backed off my sister didn’t. It all came to a crash when I met my husband during a semester abroad. He was from another university but the same country and we just clicked, it was magical for me and we got engaged after dating for a year. My family was very happy for me, except my sister. She kept insisting I was in the honeymoon phase and will grow out of it, I clearly didn’t and after many many many (can’t express enough how many) fights and attempts to reunite me with my ex I simply let her know if she pulled anything again I will stop talking to her.
What does she do after that warning? Makes me her MOH and requests I spend all my time with the bridal party a.k.a. my ex AND sets one of her friends as my husband’s date. We didn’t realize until we were at the reception and the poor girl tried to make a pass at my husband, my sister said that since we are not married it was OK to explore things with other people. I left the party and the next day spoke with my parents and brother, explained that while I won’t make them choose I will NOT talk to my sister ever again and if they try to fix stuff between us I will simply cut contact with them too. My Mom was devastated and tried to negotiate, but my Dad and Brother said they would respect my decision and apart from 2 attempts from my Mom I haven’t spoken, written, or anything with my sister in the past 6 years.
My sister has tried everything to reconcile with me. From gifts to tantrums but I simply don’t talk to her at all. If we are at a family event or dinner I simply act like she doesn’t exist, at first she made snarky comments or tried to create drama but since nobody backed her up she gave up. She did have a meltdown when she was informed she was invited to my wedding but would NOT be part of any preparation. My brother says he feels guilty for going along with it for so long and his relationship with my ex has suffered since my ex, they still talk but they are not as closed anymore.
The issue: My Mom’s birthday was couple weeks ago and I finally announced we are expecting our first child, this is not the first grandchild but is the first granddaughter. Everybody was very happy except my sister. My Mom noted that and asked me for tea the other day, my sixth sense told me not to go but I wanted to be positive. The first thing I noticed when I arrived was my sister’s car, then as I entered the door there was my sister, her husband, my ex and my exMIL. They wanted to have an intervention since my childish tactic has gone for so long. My ex said that he was just trying to be romantic but he understands I couldn’t appreciate it, his Mom said I was just hurting my sister for wanting the best for me and she apologized already so I need to forgive her. I was just sending texts to my family (Dad, Brother, Husband) and looking at my Mom in disbelief. My BIL had the balls to tell me I was a hurtful person and I need to learn how to act like an adult since I am having a baby now. Then my Mom began reading a letter about how hurt she was her daughters weren’t close, how my sister was wrong but she was well intended, etc. Then my sister read her letter and began crying and telling me basically another version of what the rest did.
I said nothing to anybody, just sat there until my Brother arrived. He was angry beyond anything I’ve ever seen before, he grabbed my stuff and told them all he was really disappointed and disgusted. We went outside and sat in his car until my Dad and Husband arrived, by then I was just sobbing and he kept saying sorry. I am unsure what happened in there but I sent everybody (except Mom) an email with my lawyer’s number info attached and stated I don’t wish to be contacted by any of them ever again and if they do I will go to the police. Nobody has contacted me but I know from my Dad my Mom and sister are hysterical, they told him they hoped to repair things and for my sister to be able to be on my baby’s life, maybe possibly being a Godmother! My Dad is staying with my Brother at the moment, they support me but some others in the family don’t. I’ve erven had mutual friends call me since they are worried about my sister’s well being and asking me what happened since she is now going by the narrative my Husband is keeping me away from my family. I HATE having my business in public but I did go the public route and posted a loong FB post about everything that happened. Sister, BIL and ex are being dragged which even if it wasn’t 100% intended I feel is deserved.
Now, my Mom has been inconsolable which does make me feel bad but not as bad as she made me feel with her little intervention. I agreed to have a talk with her a couple of days ago and laid the ground rules for any possible future interaction, including: therapy, family therapy, clear boundaries, no sharing information about me with my sister, and separate holidays. Most important: if she ever pulls anything like this again she will for sure be cut off. She feels this is too much but is willing to do it, she thought it meant immediate access to baby news and it is all solved but I told her it is a process and she needs to prove she has improved. My Dad and Brother refuse to talk to my sister and they keep apologizing for not stopping it earlier. We’ve forgiven them since they were able to move on and grow.
My Husband supports whatever I decide but my MIL is unsure cutting my Mom’s access to her granddaughter is the way to go but says it is ultimately my decision.
I am torn about what to do with my Mom.
TL;DR! Haven’t talked to my sister in 6 years because of her obsession with me and my ex. My Mom organized an intervention on her behalf so we could reconcile and now I am unsure if I even want my Mom in my life anymore.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: What are their logic? Like now that you’re pregnant, you should stop playing make believe with your husband and realize your happy ever after is with your ex? What about your baby? Your ex and his family gonna accept her?
OOP: My sister claims she is not traing to get us together anymore but that I can’t take away her chance to be an Aunt. She says I am a bad sister for being close with my SILs (who are amazing people). I obviously don’t believe her. My issue is what to do with my Mom.
Commenter: …she couldn’t be your best friend without you dating your ex??
OOP: I wish I could tell you but I have no idea what her thought process is. My husband has the theory she is just mentally unwell.
The ex:
The most ridiculous and scary thing is he still has the mix tapes (CDs) I made him when we were dating. Those things are about 20 years old and he still hold onto them.
Commenter: I’m kind of surprised your stalker Ex, and yes I will call him that, is still in your brother’s life. That said, hold firm with your mother. No timelines. She has to show she can stick to your rules. Sister needs to live with the…
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